Hi there. I'm glad you could make it. I just wanted to tell you about my best ex-friend, Combustible Eddie.Hi there. I'm glad you could make it. I just wanted to tell you about my best ex-friend, Combustible Eddie.

 

How to start? How to describe the derranged genius of someone manly enough to stab their own navel with a tooth-pick?How to start? How to describe the derranged genius of someone manly enough to stab their own navel with a tooth-pick?

Well, I guess the thing I remember best about Eddy was when we went down to Nipple Christ to check out some checkable threads, and I was all "Yeah man, check deez out" and he was all "Nah, dey is shit, innit?" – several decades later, I found out dat dey was shit indeed. And in my opinion, this otherwise retarded story is a perfect example of what Ed meant to me: it was his guiding hand that saved me from ridiculosity not only then, but on no other occasions down the years.Well, I guess the thing I remember best about Eddy was when we went down to Nipple Christ to check out some checkable threads, and I was all "Yeah man, check deez out" and he was all "Nah, dey is shit, innit?" – several decades later, I found out dat dey was shit indeed. And in my opinion, this otherwise retarded story is a perfect example of what Ed meant to me: it was his guiding hand that saved me from ridiculosity not only then, but on no other occasions down the years.

And that's saying nothing of the man himself.And that's saying nothing of the man himself.

Ed was always bright and full of character, like a cartoon colour-in after escaping the clutches of some over-eager toddler. A patron of the sports, he often regaled us with his fond recollections from such classic games as "M@ster sk8 Challenge", "Football" or "Death Rape 20K". And, of course, anyone after some quick kneecap-action would never need look further than Ed, who made his readily available to all (plus, he often did weekly deals on synovial fluid).Ed was always bright and full of character, like a cartoon colour-in after escaping the clutches of some over-eager toddler. A patron of the sports, he often regaled us with his fond recollections from such classic games as "M@ster sk8 Challenge", "Football" or "Death Rape 20K". And, of course, anyone after some quick kneecap-action would never need look further than Ed, who made his readily available to all (plus, he often did weekly deals on synovial fluid).

So yeah; he was basically a real cool cucumber – except that, for obvious reasons, he had limbs.So yeah; he was basically a real cool cucumber – except that, for obvious reasons, he had limbs.

 

You might ask, then, why did I describe him as an "ex"-friend? Well, the answer is as simple as it is resoundingly stupid. I was spending the night at his house, as I often do, so that we might better enjoy our natural superiority over all other living things. And, on this otherwise joyous occasion, he let slip that he was buying a plane ticket to Sweden.You might ask, then, why did I describe him as an "ex"-friend? Well, the answer is as simple as it is resoundingly stupid. I was spending the night at his house, as I often do, so that we might better enjoy our natural superiority over all other living things. And, on this otherwise joyous occasion, he let slip that he was buying a plane ticket to Sweden.

"Sweden" I repeated, just with a question mark at the end – what business might Ed have in Sweden? And so it was that, to my great displeasure, Edward admitted that he had a girlfriend. A girlfriend from the internetz. He even thought it a good idea to spend his actual money on a trip to where she could supposedly be found."Sweden" I repeated, just with a question mark at the end – what business might Ed have in Sweden? And so it was that, to my great displeasure, Edward admitted that he had a girlfriend. A girlfriend from the internetz. He even thought it a good idea to spend his actual money on a trip to where she could supposedly be found.

 

Now, Ed had been a good friend to me, so as you can understand, there was no choice at that juncture but to kill him. It was the only humane thing to do. He had even – in a fit of madness, I can only assume – installed the Zune XP theme on his computer. The man was clearly sick.Now, Ed had been a good friend to me, so as you can understand, there was no choice at that juncture but to kill him. It was the only humane thing to do. He had even – in a fit of madness, I can only assume – installed the Zune XP theme on his computer. The man was clearly sick.

It was not an open-casket funeral. You see, Ed wasn't a pretty sight once I was done with him.It was not an open-casket funeral. You see, Ed wasn't a pretty sight once I was done with him.

For one thing, he no longer had a face, as I cut it off and wore it as a hat. For another, he now has very little of his original arms left.For one thing, he no longer had a face, as I cut it off and wore it as a hat. For another, he now has very little of his original arms left.

 

You might say I was a bit extreme, and you could be excused for thinking so. But people have to learn; Big E had crossed a line. It's not as if he wouldn't have ended up dead anyway. Everything would have seemed fine at first, but slowly, over time, he would notice that his nipples were disappearing one by one and when he did, BAM. Clearly, his girlfriend was a raper in disguise, and several months later he would have washed ashore on one of the channel islands wearing a big hat sayingYou might say I was a bit extreme, and you could be excused for thinking so. But people have to learn; Big E had crossed a line. It's not as if he wouldn't have ended up dead anyway. Everything would have seemed fine at first, but slowly, over time, he would notice that his nipples were disappearing one by one and when he did, BAM. Clearly, his girlfriend was a raper in disguise, and several months later he would have washed ashore on one of the channel islands wearing a big hat saying

I AM THE PINK POWER RANGERI AM THE PINK POWER RANGER