As I sat at home, watching the RV™, I came to wonder, 'Is this, philosarcophagusly speaking, a fulfilling existence?'

First, I figured, I must define what I meant by 'fulfilling.' Before I could answer this, however, the doorbell rang and told me to make it a sandwich. I went to make it its sandwich at once, and I had just lifted the jar of peanut butter when a thought struck me: maybe the doorbell, in its infinite wisdom, wanted me to make it a sandwich because it felt I was not yet fulfilling myself!

I put the jar down, and hurried off to my notebook. Time Team had just dug up a slightly glowing, yellow rock, but I had more interesting nature to dig: the nature of existence.

Despite the blare of the RhinoVision™, I worked out what a fulfilled existence was. I sussed it. I even compressed it in to a little script:

var e = "existence"
var f = "fulfilled"
var p = "productivity"
var j = "joy/fun"
var t = "time"

if (j >= t - p)

e = j && e = p;

if (e = j && e = p)

e = f;

Simply put, if you're making crap, enjoying making it, and not eating your own body-weight in cats, you have a fulfilling existence.

Having made a discovery of such philosological importance, I eagerly set about the next stage: gauging if my existence was fulfilling. To do this, I returned to the RV™: was I having fun? Time Team had just identified the rock as a Dilithium Crystal, used for powering the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. Yes, this was fairly amusing. Next: was I producing anything? After a quick check, I discovered I was not producing anything. This worried me, as I had kind of hoped to find some form of meringue-residue.

Once again, however, my local Poundland saved the day. I popped down there and described my problem at great lengths to the store clerk, who knew exactly what I needed. Out of a cupboard he dragged it, until I could see it in all it's splendor: a microwavable sofa! Recognizing a bargain when I saw one, I bought it as quick as I could, and rushed home.

As you've probably deduced, it cleared up my problems immediately.

At that, my phisolofical friends, I leave you.