Bandwag County Council Tech Division Presents:

Building a Computer in 97 Easy Steps

I was watching the TV the other day, when out of nohow came an ad for Dell, a company that (apparantly) makes computers! WOW! I thought. They must have some kind of crazy genius working for them! They must make MILLIONS!
So, I went to Dell; I learnt their secrets. And now, you can too.

"Gasp," I hear you gasp. But gasp not, for now you can make your very own computers, fresh loaded with RAM, processors and some hella cool.

"But how?" said Mr. Prittstick, from Kent, "I'm just your average dodecahedron!" But fear not, for this guide will show you the how. Mr. Prittstick is now the senior technical advisor in PC WORLD, and he owes it all to this guide. That's right, this instruction manual (courtesy of Bandwag County Council's Tech Division), will give you the support you need to help your through the conception, pregnancy and birth of your computer. It even comes with a list of voluntary organisations that can help you recuperate afterways.

"Recuperate? Is it dangerous?" I hear you burble. Why yes, it is, and I should skin your hide for answering to authority, but I'll let you off because it's a monday. So, on to building the computer.

First, you'll need a hard shell to keep the bits in. Personally, I recommend rhino skin, but it's hard to get the stuff past customs officers; it's best to stick with cat, or granny skin where available.

Second, you need the fairy that turns the computer on and off. To get one, snap a chicken wishbone (or drop a penny in a wishing well, at your own disgression). When the fairy appears to grant your wish, break its legs and tie it up with some skipping-rope.

Ok, done that? You're doing well. Now you need to buy some memory for your computer. As you may or may not know, the place a computer stores memory in is called the HARD DRIVE. Where can you find these illusive drives, you ask? Why, they can be found everywhere! You know when you drive your car in the dead of night, with buildings spontaneously bursting into pomigranates and hard lefts crashing into your windscreen? That, my friend, is a hard drive. So how do you harvest the energy from these "hard drives"? You don't, I just put that bit in for kicks. Go to PC WORLD for Christ's sake.

Now, you may want to make your PC programmable, with dials and switches and stuff. I thought long and hard about what would give you a full range of complex commands, and came up with the perfect solution: a refrigerator. If you don't have one, or need it to keep your granny cold, you can just pop down to your local rubbish tip, as they'll have an almost working one, and at a fraction of the price!

So, you have your pieces. Putting together a computer isn't too hard: if something doesn't fit in that slot, it goes in another slot. If it doesn't fit in any slots, it's most likely your skinless granny – you should watch what you're doing with that thing.

You should now have built your computer. It may not look like a computer, smell like a computer or sing like a broadway musical, but one thing's for sure: it's not not a computer. Unless it isn't, in which case... well, you can work it out.

Here's one I made earlier: